You love her. You’d do anything for her. And she still can’t feel you.
What if the problem isn’t your effort, your words, or even your intentions?
What if it’s living in your body?
The truth is that tension is essentially fear that has manifested in your physical body as a result of excessive muscular contraction (movement of fear). This movement of fear is a reaction to physical, mental or emotional stress that activates our sympathetic nervous system. This occurs as a survival reaction when we don’t feel safe.
And here’s what no one tells high-performing men:
The same nervous system that made you effective… driven, focused, high-output… is the one keeping you locked out of your own emotional depth.
You can’t feel her if you can’t feel yourself.
And you can’t feel yourself if your body is running on a permanent low-grade survival signal.
‘The issues are in the tissues.’
It was in 2009 when I began my healing and awakening journey. This is when I began taking full responsibility for my life and started the process of removing the armour… the physical tension… that I had accumulated in my body from hard physical training as well as from years of emotional suppression and avoidance.
The more I became aware of these tensions, I began to understand that ‘in order to heal we must feel.’
As someone who was born an empath (will share more about this in another post), I was forced to toughen up fast. Luckily, my loving parents were both special forces soldiers who connected me with my inner warrior (I imagine life might have crushed me if I didn’t have this exposure to such strong resilient humans). At age 13, I began training in martial arts. The physical training began to build dense muscle, which I now understand served as body armour. This provided me with confidence and a sense of safety (while also desensitizing me). This served me. Until it didn’t.
The armour that protects (insulates) you is now isolating you.
Think about it this way… can you imagine a knight laying down to rest with his woman while still wearing his armour? It’s almost funny to picture. Unless there was a true and immediate threat, there would be no reason for it. And even if they did lay down together, they wouldn’t be able to feel each other beyond the cold steel. Worse… he could actually hurt her without even meaning to.
This is what’s happening in your relationship. The armour served you. It kept you safe when you needed it. But you’re bringing it to bed. And she can feel the steel even if she can’t name it.
You have probably been told to be more vulnerable. More open. To practice better communication. The truth is, thinking more isn’t going to get you into your body. You can’t will yourself into presence. The nervous system doesn’t respond to good intentions. It responds to safety.
Until you learn to truly relax, you cannot truly connect.
“True power comes from the ability to truly relax.”
— Vladimir Vasiliev, Russian Martial Art and Breath Master whom I studied under
Now let’s talk about the breath.
The breath you’ve been holding… since childhood, since the last hard thing you did, since this morning… is the exact mechanism keeping you contracted and unavailable.
Intentional breathing is the key. It’s the most precise regulation tool your nervous system has.
‘How you breathe, is how you live.’
The moment you take a conscious breath, you are anchoring your awareness into the body which lives in the present moment. That presence… is what she is asking for.
As I began living more in my body, it signalled safety to my nervous system. From that place, I could practice vulnerability in an empowered way. I became more confident showing up as my authentic self… less performance and superficiality, more presence and depth.
In order to grow, expand and rise into our highest and greatest expressions, we have to be willing to let go of the restrictive armour that we put on for a sense of safety.
The question is no longer whether you love her enough. The question is whether you are willing to feel… yourself first… so that you can meet her where she actually is?
If this is landing, it’s not an accident. This work with nervous system regulation, breath, removing the armour is exactly what I guide high-performing men through in private, in-person immersions. Not a course. Not a group program. Immersive, embodied, one-on-one work where the shift happens in the body and nervous system, not just the mind.
If you’re ready to stop managing the gap between you and your partner and actually close it… reach out. I work with a small number of men at a time, by application.
- Jonathan